I think Harville Hendrix and his line of books that started with "Getting The Love You Want" have much to offer. He posits a series of lenses or hoops that if your potential mate has a the specific qualities that will attract you - then he or she is "the one." And, if "the one" then also the one that will wound you in ways your parents did.

But this is only one of the things we are unconciously looking for, he says. There are others. This is no simplistic theory.

I think a lot of his ideas need research so that in the 21st century one could base their couples' work on science and not just on theory. (See John Gott). But, he does offer plenty of practical tools that can help any relationship.

This is my opinion having read two of the books and gone through counseling with a therapist trained in Hendrix school of therapy (couples counseling with my significant other at the time). Many friends have really liked his books.

In these tapes, Hendrix asserts a single person needs to find someone with the worst qualities of his or her parents and then, working over a three to seven year period, make that person change to be supportive. It sounds to me like he's taken the bad relationships he's seen as a marriage counselor and come to the conclusion that we are drawn to repeat the crises of our childhood. I can offer two alternative explanations: 1) many people going to a marriage counselor have indeed chosen the wrong partner and 2) many people going to a marriage counselor are very angry at their partner and have reopened old wounds in that person out of anger and revenge. The reason he offers that we must find such a damaging person is so that our subconscious mind can find satisfaction in witnessing the parent-surrogate partner meet the needs we did not have relieved as children, when (and if) that person finally changes.

I reject his premise that 95% of us have severe wounds from our childhood that we bring to a relationship. Whether Hendrix believes it or not there are more than a few good parents out there. Wounds can also be caused within current and former relationships.

Hendrix offers no answers to his disastrous portrait of a world scourged by sadistic parents other than improved dialog with the parent-surrogate partner, presumably in a therapy setting (due to the highly structured nature this dialog requires).

His "goodbye ritual" is equally disturbing, in which he asserts that one must say goodbye to the dreams that one had with a former partner, as if the ex-partner still had control over our present ability to achieve those dreams.

This is a very negative and psychologically damaging set of tapes that should never have been published. My initial impulse upon hearing them was to contact a surgeon, have my knees permanently sewn together and to have nothing more to do with the opposite sex.

This audio cassette series is extremely enlightening and you do not have to be single for this to pertain to you. It points out things that you recognize in yourself and offers ways to help improve the way you communicate and listen and help your partner feel more important and loved. I highly recommend this title.